God Hates Me

They offered me the position. I admit I may not have sounded super thrilled accepting it because it means I’ve officially set my career back at least five years. On the other hand, I have taken a giant leap forward from my year of unemployment so I can’t really make a fuss. In terms of my case of “what-does-it-all-mean”, it’s just fuel to the fire.

So… God hates me. I have way of often being right at how the ironies of life will bite me in the ass. I think it means I understand the humor of God or Allah or the Fates or whatever you choose to believe. Thanks for listening.

Secretly, I’m a 60 year old woman.

My tentative brother in law’s birthday is tomorrow. He requested a cake. I am not a baker but this thing is so over the top, I had to share. So, without further ado, I give you the three layer S’mores cake.

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Note the professionalism in the photography!

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I couldn’t figure out how to rotate it so just tilt your head to the right!

The Chicken Affectation

The Man With Half A Face

The idea that we can escape life without some sort of baggage is absurd. I figure by the time we’re out of our teens, most of us are damaged goods. If we’re good about it, we can hide this from the better part of the population. For me, I try to counteract all the negative with a positive. (Example: I hate firefighters. Worst people on the planet! But… I believe in equal rights.) So that, in the end, hopefully the good outweighs the bad. Where this becomes a problem for most of us, I think, is in relationships. It’s the one place that we have to show someone our true selves.

 It’s as if you have half a face. (For the sake of argument, let’s say it was a freak thresher accident and not some heroic story.) Anyway, you’re walking around with half a face and people only sit on your right side because that’s the good side. Well, no one has an issue because they can only see the intact part of your skull. Then one day, a pretty girl walks up and you start to talk. Well now you have a decision to make. Do you turn and face her full on or just let her see what she wants to see?  What if she asks if you have any experience with threshers? Is it wrong not tell her about the accident?

I guess ultimately we all want someone we can stand in front of and say, “This is me. This is what I have to offer.” There is nothing more frightening and horrific than to lay bare who you are to another human being. It’s not always cathartic and freeing. Pretty much the best you can hope for, other than a polite rejection, is to find someone who will offer a peek inside their own suitcase. Maybe she will look back and say, “I lost my leg to a crocodile.” and then music plays.. and you both run in slow motion on the beach. Well, you do. She kinda hops. 

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Life’s Little *&^* Yous.

I love the Mid-Atlantic states. Love the beauty of them. The changes of season. I still giggle and stare at the window with every new snowfall. It’s little wonder that life keeps pulling me back here. I have a history here. There is a deeper connection than anywhere else I have ever been. I have sat on top of a mountain in the Catskills and watched the sun rise. I have taken long drives through Pennsyvania’s Amish country. I have spent my share of time in D.C.’s Irish pubs way before they opened and we legally allowed to be there and long after I should have gone home and let’s not forget the shore. *I am officially excluding Jersey shore from the Mid-Atlantic.* All of these are great memories of the simple joys one has and I value each of them but I like them as just memories. So why I’m doomed to repeat them is one of life’s great little fuck yous ironies.

I was all of 21 or so when I moved to this area the first time and in need of a job. I remember distinctly walking in trying to hide my limp to apply for a Bartending position. (I had, I’m pretty sure, fractured both ankles doing something stupid but refused to see a doctor.) I was hired basically on the spot. There, I developed great friendships, made some alright money and generally made an ass of myself as young men do before going off on the next adventure and inevitable career. So it’s only fitting that last night, someone said the same place was hiring. My response was “That will be the place that hires me! …Because God hates me.”

My interview is in an hour. I’ll let you know.

I got hit in the mirror.

I was watching Moonrise Kingdom today and I heard this:

Sam: What happened to your hand?
Suzy: I got hit in the mirror.
Sam: Really? How did that happen?
Suzy: I lost my temper at myself.”

That’s the greatest thing I’ve heard in a long time! It really seemed to hit home in some weird (why am I drawing parallels with the utterances of a twelve year old girl?) way.  But rather than get all introspective tonight, I really just wanted to share that with you all.

Do you always like what you see in the mirror? What are some great quirky quotes that make your day?