It’s been some time since I’ve written. Mostly, I’ve had very little to say that I care to share. It’s been a very strange year. One that started with the onset of what I truly believe is an existential crisis (See: Mid-life.), where one suddenly decides to torpedo his own career because it’s no longer fulfilling. So I set out again to regain some meaning. Some sense of self. At some point it seemed like to go forward, I should go backward.
After looking up old friends and traveling to see them, I quickly remembered why I have a rule about dredging up the past. People are not the same and neither are we. If anything, we are just disrupting their lives and we may not actually have that much in common after fifteen or twenty years. Perhaps they have kids and a spouse or they’re in school because of their own particular search for meaning in life. Maybe the freewheeling hippie chick you used to adore has become a judgmental vegan and doesn’t have time for your nonsense. Maybe they just weren’t as pretty as you remembered and you decided not to contact them. In any case, I was left with the realization that sleeping dogs are best left to lie.
So I returned to my rule of not looking up old friends. I also returned to a path I know well of striking out anew and alone but in the comfort of family. As I shake off the dust of a crumbled relationship and claw desperately for a return to financial security, I’m still stuck with the underlying thought that caused the whole mess to begin with: Will this make me happy?
A funny thing happened last night then. As I lay there awake recovering from a bad stomach bug, scrolling Facebook and praying for sleep, a face popped up that I had not seen in twenty years. There was a familiar crooked smile and blonde hair so I thought, “Well she’s still attractive!” So, again I broke my rule and wrote which tells me two things about myself:
A) I’m a superficial ass.
B) I’m really not that averse to breaking rules.
Neither of which I find to be exceptional qualities in a human being. So, for now, I think I’ll just stop making rules. Will this make me happy?
~DISCLAIMER: As always, this blog is written mostly tongue in cheek. If you read this and believe the person matches your description, you’re wrong. Also, looking up old crushes and girlfriends is akin to drunk dialing. DON’T BE THAT GUY!~
“I can’t go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” – Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland